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As a writer, I was panicked. But as a human, I was mortified. Mila could have no idea that she had called me out for being the Men’s black tampa bay buccaneers rflctv name and logo shirt and I love this same angry and self-loathing person I had been at the start of all this, but that is exactly what she’d done. I spent the night chastened, mulling and soul searching, re-reading the messages from women I’d never met, telling me their stories. I read my responses to them. They were brimming with hope. That together we’d taken this first, important step of admitting that we were not fine. That from there, we could start to understand all the ways that we weren’t, that we could live in a way that would restore agency again. How had I lost touch with this person? By the time we got to set in spring of 2021, I’d deleted Twitter. I stopped expecting everyone to be plugged into my trauma by my exacting standards. I gave people grace, realizing I would hope for the same if I didn’t get it exactly right either. I caught myself in what my therapist referred to as colicky episodes, and I would apologize to my husband and walk away. Then later, when I calmed down, I would apologize again and thank him for bearing with me, for understanding that big feelings are often tied to things that happened young, that it was not his fault that my needs were frustrated then, that it was also not anyone’s job to meet them all now. And then I tried to figure out how to better do that for myself, which is work that is hard and constant and ongoing. I don’t know, goes one of Ani’s lines toward the end of our movie, what is me, and what parts I invented to make other people like me.
